Keep that big heart and train yourself. I just remember getting out of the car and falling to my knees crying no. He didnt want to be here when she left and he felt like hed already lost her. I havent been able to sleep well in months. Ive been on a soapbox for three and a half years and dont intend to shut up just for somebody elses sake. I dont give a shit! Today, it makes 2years since my son recovered after taking CONSUMMO herbal treatment, he is living a complete, normal, healthy life and has returned to college. If you know a child, or adult for that matter, struggling with these concerns, dont immediately disregard their worries. Hold every single person you have love for, or once had love for, close right now. Call 911 I screamed with all I had. Be the change you would have liked for your father. I will forever live with the guilt that me being unable to be his wife and his soul support emotionally physically and psychologically meant that he could no longer draw breath. I am the father of two beautiful daughters. I just want to hear his voice again, tell him I love him again, give him a hug. Im really sorry Alfy. But suicide is so unnatural that wrapping your mind around it never happens. I would like so badly to rebut the psychological effects of grief, blame and transference of power. Only hope is that eventually will start to feel better. My ex-husband took his own life a week ago. I had post-traumatic stress reactions as a result of his abuse and so now I just feel free now that hes not here. Required fields are marked *. But I loved and love him a lot. I cant imagine ever being normal again. You could direct him to the Aliance of Hope website, a very compassionate group of people, all who have lost someone to suicide. We typically useWortman & Latack (2015)sdefinition of traumatic loss: A death is considered traumatic if it occurs without warning; if it is untimely; if it involves violence; if there is damage to the loved ones body; if it was caused by a perpetrator with the intent to harm; if the survivor regards the death as preventable; if the survivor believes that the loved one suffered; or if the survivor regards the death, or manner of death, as unfair and unjust.. I believed there must have been some way that those drug dealers managed to make it look like hed boarded up the house. I grew more and more concerned and the weekend before he died, I told him that he needed to stop what he was doing, go back on his medication and start coming to church with me. I cant find the news article now at all. I know he doesnt suffer now but I also know I feel so selfish to want him with me! Also grief for suicide doesnt exist. I explained to her that there are millions of people living in the world with mental illness and many of them are functional and successful (as long as they take their medication and continue therapy). Suicide is a very hard thing to deal with. i cant stop seeing what i saw. Im broken and will never be the same. Someone that has been through something similar. I know she was hugging my heart when I dove with manta rays down in the deep blue.I know she was hugging my heart when I met my boyfriend who happens to live in the same street where she was living. I cant know your pain, but I cant tell you that I searched randomly on Google, found your entry and felt compelled to type this out. Just ten years after being . I tried so hard to look after him and protect him. So I have to all these grieving in secret. We had our first family conference on Monday. Charlotte Crosset January 20, 2021 at 4:16 pm Reply. I took my brother, her husband, to a Crisis Center at a nearby hospital. You name it. Educate your loves ones on quantum immortality. I'm still in disbelief and honestly so angry. He had been drinking and was not in a stable place. As I go through a grief share program at church- I realize that no one is immune to the pain of any ones death but especially by suicide as it seems like they chose to leave us. Only being 3 months the pain is totally unbelievable and the heart break of wondering why or what could of stopped it . Until we meet again, when it is my proper time, and not a day before, I wish him love. Who knows what was going on in his head but you two were living separate lives. Shes someone I met and instantly connected with. The movies and music I love come from him, my love of football, Im a huge fan of the Oakland raiders bc of him. That will be my gial to honour her. So far, I have coped with my loss by attending two sessions of a general bereavement group. But she still died by suicide. Remember the goods times, cry if you are emotional and reach out if you need to talk. It didnt kill him but the next day, he jumped off an overpass and the traffic on the highway. Your story was the only one i could find similar to mine. Kieron October 29, 2020 at 3:46 pm Reply. That tiny spark is enough to keep you alive, and it holds all your feelings of despair, rage, love, confusion, hope there is still hope and you will find your way out. I came on this site looking for some sort of comfort. I blamed her in some crazy way for many little things ,things she had no control over. I am crying with you and your family tonight. Just one chance I need but unfortunately I dont even know if I will ever meet her again or not Plz tell me what to do. Most recently, he just stopped paying me and would not answer my calls or texts about how to solve this. But when he was sober he didnt want to drink. My 24-year-old son took his life last month. I replay that night over and over again. It feels like theres something in the human thought process that struggles with this truth, refusing it, like an inner battle between knowing that this is permanent and believing it can be reversed or fixed somehow. How do I forgive him..? I feel so guilty for: not seeing the signs; not taking the time required to really explore how he was feeling before I left town, and for leaving when he obviously needed me most. She said it is my fault and I didnt deserve alimony in the first place and that she read my texts. What do i do, Richard McDonald October 13, 2020 at 12:14 am Reply, I am so sorry you too had to go through this. My sincerest advice, seek out a good grief therapist if you have not already. Hi Sue, I dont know if you ever listen to the radio show This American Life but if you do (or if your want to check it out) there is an episode called Birds and Bees and the last third of the show is about helping kids who lost someone to suicide learn how to talk about it open and honestly. You are precious. My sister didnt want me around when I was at my lowest because it made her feel uncomfortable and it hurt but I got better without her and now she has regrets but Im not a monster so I forgave her. Plus the friends and any of his professors. Then he just shouted it out. But I was not able to see the pain she was going through, she was depressed and wanted to get back to her jerk ex bf. About 5 minutes later, my dad walked into the room pointed a small caliber pistol point blank at my mothers head and pulled the trigger. my kids OMG. I was fortunate enough to have been enlightened with her by my side for the years we had together. What were his last few thoughts? Although I sometimes feel that we are alone, I realize that others have walked the same path. She was 19. You may not have many supporters if you do the jump. Dear Kindal, please dont give up! my brother hung himself in 1977 when he was 22 and i was 25. my sister and he were close and she was aged 20. it is something the whole family never got over and i hold all of us responsible and believe everyone played a part in it eben me. Sylvia Corbit May 17, 2016 at 3:35 pm Reply. That I failed him as a father. Cookie Notice It was such a shock to me, his stepfather & other family. Eulalia DePrins August 19, 2018 at 10:45 am Reply. I ran to my mothers busted in, all the while watching the phone and listening as hard as I could for any sound, a moan or any movement because there was no way she was gone! It was one of the last things I said. Early on in my grief, I also wanted to die. They made me call are Parkers who went to my room found my brother woke him up and brought him back down to the scene. Its been 7 years and both people I dated after were openly threatened that I still had feelings for the man that left this earth. I didnt, I couldnt, I am sorry. Sadly, this is not something that I will ever fully recover from. This grief, this pain, this confusion, all of it is going to have its place. It iscommon for a person to feel relieved after a loved one dies, when the loved one had been living in pain and suffering. Everyone grieves differently, create space for that as much as you know how too. I cant imagine how his friends from high school are feeling, nor his PARENTS or family Everybody has been incredibly lovely to me, sent me messages of love, or some of the stupidest condolence messages, food, or came to visit me interstate, but I cant help but feel that what Im going through is pretty unique and I feel incredibly lonely. I looked out the window and saw him walking outside with a backpack on. Expect setbacks. I didnt grieve at the time I put it to the back of my mind as my mum needed me, my husband was deployed with the army the year after and then came back with an injury so I just kept ignoring the signs so I can be the strong for everyone around me, now I have had a breakdown and am currently going through test as the doctors believe I have Chronic Fatigue. He will always be on my mind. But, my friend told me what happened to her almost a year after she killed herself. He made himself something to eat while I bathed our son. i was the last one to see him, i was the last one to kiss him, hug him, touch him, talk to him, even cry with him. in fact, you may find it very comforting as well. I prayed to God for a sign that I should go, which I never received. Last October 2018, I tried to jump off the Mount Hope Bridge in RI. She told me that he had cut too deep into his wrist that night. It definitely helps to read posts and know that Im not alone in what Im experiencing. he was only 21, in his fourth year of uni, just asked my parents for help yesterday. And then I think about how blas I was; how I managed to be so friendly, but not personal, not welcoming. No one can understand this struggle and the pain unless it has happened to you. He was in a wheelchair and had been for 35 years and had been struggling with depression for years. Please dont feel pressured by my thoughts; but dont guess that the family doesnt want to hear from you. i have substance abuse issues and verbally abuse my undeserving wife. Rhonda Frankhouser. My brother and only sibling died by suicide on 2-19-19. Like, i loss interest in meeting and talking to others even to my family. Sometimes im ok but even then there is a dark shadow glooming over me. On April 5th, 2019 around 6:30 am I woke up to 2 missed calls from my brother earlier that day around 12:30 am. Never even went back to the doctor after blood work. Linn December 24, 2018 at 4:12 pm Reply. My Joseph, husband of 22 years, was my best friend, my sunshine and my center. Dorinda B Trumbauer February 16, 2019 at 4:36 pm Reply. Myo refers to muscle, and Trophic means nourishment No muscle nourishment. When a muscle has no nourishment, it atrophies or wastes away. I told my brothers to take her out of the room. The next 8 years was a literal battle in trying to get him help. Im a happy person but this scene comes and goes in waves and makes me so depresses. We had gone to a baseball game together with a few other friends, had a great time, laughing and smiling together. I know and my family knows it wasnt him that made that decision that night. I was at home and was alerted by my wife and daughters screams. Talking with a counselor who specializes in trauma and grief can be incredibly helpful to changing your relationship with these difficult memories while learning to be able to connect with your fathers memory in more comforting ways in the present. Its such a tragic event and for everyone who loved her.such a loss, very cruel for her husband, and daughter, who she shared custody with her ex husband. My sons kids are growing up with only their mother, and she is a mean and warped person much like your wife. I know God has always been there for me and gotten me through a lot but Im to the point of questioning everything. I felt so guilty that I wanted to kill myself immediately, but I didnt want to inflict on my elderly parents the agony that I felt. Hugs and prayers to you, I hope you found a support group. I realize that he was just human, so I forgive him for whatever he was able to do or not do, during his life. Im a lot needier than I was before this loss. This is so normal I recommend you check out this article: https://whatsyourgrief.com/guilt-and-grief-2/ Im glad you can take a step back and recognize that his death was not your fault. I am married to an old school Swiss and from what Ive seen, they dont believe in mental illness. His suicide note was short and weird, and it ended with: you (me and my siblings) were my best friends. My angelic 11 year-old son was driven to a painful suicide by his jealous half-sister whom I adopted. He tried to send me a message on fb. He begged me to not tell anyone. the questions came faster than I could process. I am in this website because I need to know what I can cause if that happens. it appeared that his chemistry was altered negatively after two months on a prescription he was given for his enlarged prostate. Please never take a moment with your parents for granted, because I did, and I have so much regret right now. The day before he did it he called me numerous times, and i ignored his calls on purpose because I was too buzzy being with my boyfriend. I was blindsided completely and shattered. It wasnt him, it was the illness! He overdose on some pills and I found him died on our bed. and there is no way up. I cannot and will not let his action destroy who I am and what I am responsible for. I knew it was an electrician we had called because her power was out in her little playhouse, a building we gave her with a loft and TV .Well I answered the front door, began talking to the electrician about the power, a breaker needed replaced. I lost my mother May 25th 2019. He was like a father to myself and 2 younger siblings. Much love to all and I look forward to hearing about your positive experiences. He was definitely depressed, addicted to any kind of drug he could get his hands on especially OPIOIDS! Ive had mixed experience. I feel the counselor didnt do nothing for him I think he they looked at him as more is a cash cow because of the insurance we had and a rather string things along then get down to the nitty-gritty and help. All I have are the memories to hold onto now. Fast forward to 10/2022: after we both had gotten divorced, we decided that I would relocate to Illinois so we could finally fix the wrong of 1974. She suffered from poorly-treated excruciating migraines. I so feel your pain, just one day later on the 19th April I lost my younger brother I never felt pain like it my heart is broken. In fact, we never really get over grief We just learn to adjust to a new normal. Even if they piss you off. They were 14 & 12. They had my grandson move the car out to give them room. At 5:15 pm there was a knock at the door and it was 2 local police officers. Most people from his work blame me and so do most of his family. But the way she was, always so sweet and happy.. no one had a clue what was really going on, I had a slight idea but the way she pretended to be ok, she played it so well.. After that I had finals so we didnt communicate that much, but he did come to see me and my siblings everyday. 3 weeks have passed since I lost my best friend and her loss hits me in waves. So heartbreaking. All in all, I ended up being disappointed and sat there thinking how ironic all of this was. I wish everyone else here the best, it is so horrible to read all your stories. But I was still quietly disappointed that he seemed unenthusiastic toward me. He overdosed in October 2015 ( I did not know this until he had died in January) and it scared him enough to get into rehab, but he used again in January knowing full well that he could die. Katie, just hang on for your child and things will get a little better as you watch your child grow up. Richard Martino May 1, 2021 at 7:54 pm Reply, Julia I lost my daughter two years ago she was 37 years old she was my oldest daughter I have one other daughter my oldest daughter Amber I lost my daughter two years ago she was 37 years old she was my oldest daughter I have one other daughter my oldest daughter Amber was struggling struggling all the time. Other times I fall into extreme sadness and guilt, that this was something I could and should have prevented unlike an incurable disease. But some days were angry, some were confused, and some we spend the whole day crying and asking why. He asked the cops if he could grap his wallet out of his truck to give to are parents and they said sure. The most kind, generous, vivacious soul, now gone. Im so scared, but I dont think I can go through with it knowing I could hurt my kids so badly. In many instances, there has been discussion of suicidal thoughts or past suicide attempts. I tried and have no guilt feelings because I did all I could for him, but dear God since he died a part of me died too ! Im angry that he was punished for things his sickness did.Im told I missed out on inevitable heartache. I no longer feel like anything matters anymore. I am in yet another phase of grieving the loss of my son 16 months ago. My poor dad found my brother at his place of work mums distraught how are they ever going to recover from this. When you feel hopeless you have to remember to stay in the light no matter what you do. MAY. I would like to have my closest people to understand my leaving. They say others have worse things happen to them, is that helpful ? A place to put self-posts for discussion, questions, or anything else you like. That was written one year before his death. I should have known! My son died by suicide on jan 30,2015. If you need any help finding a therapist, please feel free to contact us and we can help to point you in the right direction. She didnt respond to my pleas instead she continued to prepare herself. It affected my parenting, I attributed drugs to my brothers death. 03 Mar 2023 08:46:10 He changed once he lost all the outer trappings of success, vitality, and control over his life. His death feels like a statement, the final I Dont Care in a long string of I dont cares. It may not be relevant, but just made me think of it! I keep thinking he is still in his room and expect him to come down the stairs and share some silly reddit meme, which were often his attempts to connect with me. So it will all be the same. Youre in my prayers I hope you find your son. But in her field and with her level of success, I feel she was surrounded by too many yes people people whom she could easily fool into believing she was ok, and many who were just simply too afraid to speak up, or over-step their boundaries. When I read your words it was the first time Ive seen my own feelings in print. Her bestfriend last week thought she would help her out and googled his name thinking she would find a social media account in his name or something. That is the only thing that has helped me move forward in a healthy way. But in my drunken state I chuckled, he knew I was a lesbian. I banged my forehead into a wall for a bit. 2 days ago another of my friends took her life. I dont know if I can go on, my heart is broken and destroyed by these suicides and the pain that neither my wife or son aske for or deserved. I say that because it wasnt known at the time. She keeps saying if I had texted one day earlier, maybe he wouldnt have done it and maybe because I took so long to get back to him, he thinks I rejected him. Its hurting me and I barely knew him. The most painful part for me is my brother, seeing the emptiness in his eyes after losing his little girl. Then I texted her number and continuously called her phone. I am a surviving father and husband of two suicides in my family. My son was diagnosed with schizophrenia 5years ago, with a series of life-threatening symptoms of hallucinations, delusion, and depression, Even with rigorous therapies, antipsychotic medications, and some controversial alternative treatments the condition didnt improve. No matter how hard we try we can never be there at all times and we cannot always be able to save those we love. There is nothing anyone can say or do to change this and I am so so sorry about that. i love him so much. "It was inconceivable to me that Scott went somewhere and jumped off a cliff," says his brother Steve, who's been campaigning for the truth . They were supposed to be dead. I know she will always be the bigger and will continue to hug me. Came out to the kitchen and I didnt see him. I hated the curiosity, the judging, the blaming and the scrutiny that I got from friends and family. It just means that relief is one feeling in their big, messy, hurricane of grief. My heart shattered. I love you (: I didnt think mush of it at the time because we texted each other all the time. Im doing far better than I thought I would be at this stage in the process because it is indeed a process. You may feel like you should feel sadder. You can't even larp properly without looking like a total fucking retard . And also anniversary of death in February . Which I can NEVER belittle her. Im so sorry for your many losses. Thank you, kind strangers, for showing me a little glimpse of the compassionate side of Reddit. All I wanted and what my sister gave me, was to listen and to let me cry, precisely what youre doing now. Thank you so much for your article, and the comments below have helped me feel less lonely by a remarkable number. My granddaughter keeps me alive now. I am lost, scared, confused. Its not pleasant to be honest, but it does help you to understand that you are not crazy nor are you alone. Instead, I worried about my medical issues. Not a day goes by that I dont think of him and wondered where he might be in the dark or in the light . You are NOT a mistake. She was always scared to drive so I would take her to work only to have her call me crying sometimes even before I got home. Brett Beddow May 22, 2019 at 11:15 pm Reply. I had recentlylearned that my best friend had just hung herself. I wish you a future filled with happiness that you make for yourself, and that you share with those you love. This event along with a few others, sent me on a trajectory that led me to the present day, making it my lifes work helping others. My older brother was found dead only a few weeks ago. Me and my sister raced to the hospital when we got there we found out she shot herself in the head thru her mouth. In fact, I havent spoken to him at all for about 3 months and the last time I saw him, he told me he was glad that I was leaving. Specifically EMDR therapy can be incredibly helpful for intrusive memories of specific traumatic events, and can help with regaining some sense of safety for caring for someone again. This behavior sounds very odd for someone who doesn't also have issues. Um my best friend for 9 years is probably the most suicidal person I know, the cutting got to the point where she could accidentally commit, shes in a mental hospital right now for a month I miss her so much I dont even know if this is gonna help her. Every day, every nurse Any changes? As thats my daddy you hear them say the pressure went from 50 to 40 and you think thats good. Ive been studying narcissism for years trying to make sense of him and of us, and the bottom line is, I have to accept this was the inevitable outcome of a lot of factors, some his fault, some not. I was amazed at his strength and conviction to live his life as the person he wanted. I know he had been depressed but didnt want to get help. Or why even bother dreaming of all the things ahead of me if everything looks so grim. He did very well, of course he met people I never knew. She was going to a therapist. I had already been seeing a counselor and I have an appointment with her today and Im going to have to tell her what happened.. I had said that even though me and him fought a lot, I still loved him unconditionally and that we will eventually come to see eye to eye. She made me a better person just by knowing her!!! Im the last one to have spoken to him. the Grief Share in my area is all taught from the same book and the same video. I remember she was sitting in the car and the radio was so loud.
